Emotional intelligence understanding anger

Emotional intelligence is not about trying to get rid of our emotions, or trying not to feel them. Emotional intelligence is about listening deeply to their message. Emotions are part of being alive, they are our guidance system. To be with our emotions fully and use them as information is emotional intelligence. For years I trued to get rid of anger, I felt ashamed and guilty when I felt or expressed anger. When I started to study spirituality I thought I could get rid of anger, there are many teachings that say anger is bad and wrong and this only caused me to feel even more guilt and shame around anger. When I discovered tantra there was permission to explore anger, to understand it and this changed everything for me. Rather than trying not to get angry or hide anger I allowed it to pulse through me, and in the process of surrender I was able to process a lot of trauma. I had felt powerless when anger arose I tried so hard to suppress it and it never worked. I believed anger was bad and wrong and never understood why. Anger controlled me, I feared it, I felt I was a bad person when it arose. Understanding anger and deeply listening to its message allowed me to respond rather than compulsively react and this has changed my life because now I get to chose and I feel deeply guided by anger.

The mind through the body is constantly recording all experience. We learn through our environment and experience’s which becomes our core beliefs of who we are, it’s our environment that conditions the mind. The I making part of the mind creates the thought I am…. We believe we are who we are told we are. Our sence of self is formed yearly on and these deeply engrained beliefs of identification become our internal thoughts of who I am. If we are told “you are bad” I believe I am bad and this becomes a belief about myself a part of my identity. If when I express anger I am told “you are angry” I believe I am anger if when I express anger I am told “you are bad” “don’t be naughty” The I maker part of the mind identifies and learns through that experience and feed back that when I express anger “I am bad” If the reaction I get when I express anger is punishment or being ignored I feel a sence of being un loved and un accepted. When we are children we are completely dependant on our care givers for survival, our survival depends on being loved and cared for, so we learn that our survival is in danger when we express anger because we are un loved and un accepted. The mind gives meaning to our experience’s through the reactions we experience in our environment.

So this experience would create a deeply engrained belief that anger is bad and wrong and not an emotion that gets us love, that our survival is in danger when we express anger. If our car givers have an un healthy relationship with their anger they will pass on the same beliefs and habitual patterns around anger to us. We learn that certain emotions are good and certain emotions are bad. This creates a separation within ourself because we push away parts of ourself (our experience)in order to be loved and accepted for our survival. When anger arises the mind remembers this emotion is bad and wrong from its previous experience and in an attempt to be loved and be safe to literally survive we suppress the anger, in away of keeping us safe.

There is no emotion that is good or bad, write or wrong. All emotions are energy vibrations they are an important part of our guidance system.So why is anger viewed as being bad and wrong? why are some emotion’s labelled negative and some positive? When we say a negative emotion it is actually the consequence of expressing that emotion that we are labelling good or bad. Its our past experience the memory of how we was treated when we expressed anger and the consequences we experienced why we label some emotions either positive or negative. Anger is looked upon as being negative because of its destructive power.

When we truly understand the energy of anger we can use it as a call to listen to what it is trying to tell us. Anger arises when we feel threatened, powerless, in danger or afraid. Anger arises to defend and attack when we feel our survival is being threatened. Anger is a messenger like all other emotions. Anger alerts us when our boundaries are crossed. Anger can also be a cover emotion that protects us from other emotions like pain, sadness, grief, jealousy, embarrassment as a form of protection. If our sence of self is threatened anger can arise if what we have identified with is opposed like our beliefs, opinions, religion, race ect are challenged anger can arise to defend our sence of self.

So why is anger so miss understood? because of its power to destroy. Often when anger arises it’s because we feel powerless, the power of anger can make it appear as if we have a sence of control a feeling of being power full so we don’t feel powerless. Yet what ends up happening is when anger controls us we have no control over what we say and do, it can actually make us powerless, later regretting what we have said or done. Yet in the moment we was not able to chose differently how we react or respond. The consequences of our words and actions can be devisting, causing harm to ourself and others. Often when we feel angry it is because we feel hurt and we want the other to feel the same pain as us. We un knowingly want the other to feel how we are feeling because we feel separate from them.

We fear anger because of the consequences and the memory of feeling un loved and un accepted when we expressed it in childhood. When you experience anger you literally turn into the energy of anger the face changes, the tone of the voice changes and our body language changes. If we have an un healthy relationship with anger we will have an unhealthy relationship to others when they express anger because of what meaning the mind has given to the emotion of anger through the memory of our past experiences of anger.

All emotions are energy vibrations of different frequencies. Energy cannot be destroyed or gotten rid of. Energy can only be transfromed as it is one vibration of may frequencies. When we fear our emotions we suppress them in a desperate attempt to be loved and accepted. When an emotion is suppressed it gains more power because it is energy. Resistance means pushing back and that energy will push back harder. When emotions are suppressed they cause dis-ease on all levels of our being both physically, mentally and emotionally. When we suppress them we are suppressing parts of ourself, the meaning we give to that emotions will be what we think about ourself when we experience that emotion because of identification. Energy is a constant pulsing vibration its nature is movement. These energies find ways of movement and expression in indirect ways that manifest as coping mechanisms like through passive agressive-ness, manipulation, addictions, denial, self harm, resentment, projection. When energy is suppressed it gains more power it can explode into bursts of rage.

To have a healthy relationship with anger is to understand it. To be aware of it when it is arising and not suppress it but to be with it fully. To learn from it to understand yourself and your needs, desires or when you are feeling threatened. Deeply listening to the messages that it brings. Anger is like an alarm making you aware that something needs your attention. When we are brave enough to surrender to the emotion we discover a great intelligence. It can reveal to us person truths and where our boundaries are. Anger can be the emotion that allows other emotions to be felt and processed like grief. It can reveal to us our limiting beliefs and our habitual patterns. Emotions are energy vibrations of different frequencies their very nature in transformative. When we go through the process of allowing our emotions to be felt fully without suppressing, judging, denying or naming them good or bad, write or wrong they have the power of transformation. We are more intimate with ourself and we give ourself the love and acceptance we needed as a child.

When we suppress our emotions like anger we have no power over how we respond. Instead we react compulsivity through our limiting beliefs and habitual patterns, this leaves us feeling guilt and shame. When we surrender we have the power to fully experience what ever arises and respond from understanding and wisdom.

What meaning have you given anger? what beliefs do you have around anger? often we believe anger is wrong, anger is bad, anger is not spiritual, anger is dangerous, I shouldn’t be feeling angry, I don’t wont to feel angry. How do you feel when others express anger? what meaning have you given anger? Truth is you are feeling anger, anger has arisen. When anger arises sit with it, allow it to tech you what message it has, by doing so we come to understand it, we respond rather than react. This is the art of surrender, any resistance to any experience is the resistance to life. When you truly understand your own anger you will understand others when they express anger and through this understanding compassion for your self and other arise.

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